The Escape of Alice: a Christmas Fantasy
by Vincent Starrett
Copyright© 2024 by Vincent Starrett
The red linen covers opened slightly, and a little girl slipped out, leaving behind her a curious vacancy in one of the familiar pictures signed with Mr. Tenniel’s initials. She looked about her with bright, alert eyes, hoping no one had been a witness to her desertion, and then carefully began to climb down. She need not have alarmed herself, for she was no bigger than a minute, and clearer eyes than those of the rheumatic old antiquarian who kept the shop would have been needed to comprehend her departure. Fortunately, the shelf onto which she had emerged was not high, and by exercising great caution the little girl was able to reach the floor without mishap.
Still watching the old man closely, she reached a hand into the pocket of her print dress and produced a few crumbs of cake, which she immediately ate. Almost instantly she began to grow, and, in a moment, from a tiny little mite of three or four inches, she had shot up into as tall a schoolgirl of thirteen as the proudest parent could wish. The ascent, indeed, was so rapid that before she quite realized what had happened, there was her head on a level with the shelf upon which, only an instant before, she had been standing; and there was the prison from which she had escaped. “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” read the gold letters over the door.
She plucked the volume from its place, and advanced with it toward the guardian of the bookshop.
“If it is not too high,” said Alice, “I think I shall take this.”
The old bookseller, whose wits had been woolgathering for many years, would not have admitted for worlds that he had not heard her enter the shop. He took the book from her hand.
“You choose wisely,” he said, and patted the red covers lovingly. “Alice—the ageless child! It is one of the greatest compendiums of wit and sense in literature. There are only two books to match it. You shall have it for fifteen cents, for it is far from new, and I see what I had not noticed before, that the frontispiece is missing.”
“And what are the other two?” asked Alice, eagerly.
“When you are older you will read them,” said the old bookman. “They are called ‘Don Quixote’ and ‘The Pickwick Papers’.”
Then very suddenly Alice blushed, for she remembered that she could not pay. Timidly, she handed back the red-covered volume.
“I am sorry,” she said, “but I have no money. I don’t know why I was so stupid as to come away without any.”
“Money!” cried the antiquarian. “Did I ask you money for this book? Forgive me! It is a habit I have fallen into for which I am very sorry. Money is the least important thing in the world. Only the worthless things are to be had for money. Those things which are beyond price—thank God!—are to be had for the asking. Take it, child! Tomorrow is Christmas day. I should be grieved indeed if there were no Alice for you on Christmas day—as grieved as if there were no Santa Claus.”
There was something so unearthly about this strange old man that Alice wondered if she were not yet in Wonderland. With a sobriety quite out of keeping with her usually merry disposition, she thanked him and went forth into the snow-clad streets.
The plethora of Santa Clauses spending the holiday week-end in the city bewildered Alice, and now, after a long afternoon in the hurly-burly of metropolitan life, she was becoming tired. The number of Santa Clauses resident upon earth appalled her, and the extravagance of their promises, while pleasant enough, almost frightened her. Without any questions asked—even her address, which, had it been requested, would have taxed her wits rather severely—they accepted her commissions and guaranteed immediate delivery. The final excursion through the great department stores had been adventurous and diverting, but now—toward nightfall—was becoming monotonous, what with its profusion of Kris Kringles and street hawkers, and its babble of eleventh hour shoppers. It was like witnessing a really thrilling movie drama for the second time, thought Alice, who had initiated herself into the delights of moving-picture entertainment for the first time that day, and wondered at its remarkable duplication. By five o’clock the little girl knew just what each and every Santa Claus was going to say to her, and what was coming next, and that one—at least—of the three remaining Santas would want to kiss her. She had been kissed almost to death, as it was, and that was beginning to bore her, too.
It occurred to Alice, who was a shrewd little girl and not one of your bleating lambs, that Santa Claus, despite his profusion—or because of it—might be something of an old fraud, after all. She was entirely certain that not one of him resembled the jolly old saint of her mental picture. The cottony fellow at Wanacooper’s was not a bit red and chubby, nor very jovial either; and she hoped that the others—at the Emporium, and the Bargain Store, and the Bon Marché—would agree more sympathetically, as to corpulence, with the merry and very dear old gentleman of her favorite poem.
She repeated the first lines, softly, under her breath:
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse...
Well, that was not not surprising. Obviously, all the creatures who might otherwise have been stirring about the house on the night before Christmas were crowding and jostling each other in department stores, buying useless presents for people they didn’t like. Alice thought it odd that this hadn’t occurred to her before. It made the beginning of the poem quite clear.
The Santa Claus at the Emporium was entirely surrounded by children. Entirely surrounded? Why not? The schoolroom definition of an island is authority for it: “An island is a body of land entirely surrounded by water.” Sticklers for accuracy will have it that the “entirely” is extraneous. If, they say, if he—or it—that is, Santa Claus or the island—is surrounded by anything (whether water or children), he—or it—is surrounded, and that is all there is to it. Not “entirely surrounded”; just surrounded. Happily, Alice knew nothing of this. As for us, we are nothing if not independent, and care nothing for grammarians—nothing at all. The Santa Claus at the Emporium was entirely surrounded by children, just like all his duplicates, and, in the midst of an alarming racket, was writing long lists of juvenile wants in a big bookkeeper’s ledger. The big bookkeeper was nowhere about, and so the old fellow went right ahead, just as if it had been his own ledger, and filled as many columns as a child wished, in the most amiable manner in the world. He was the nicest Santa Claus Alice had yet seen.
He did not immediately notice Alice, who was neither larger nor smaller than most of the other children shouting around him; but when he did notice her he liked her right away. He liked the old-fashioned way of her, and her last century clothes, and from the way she looked at him he was sure that she, at least, believed in him, and wasn’t dropping in just to see how much she could get out of him. And then he hurried, so that he could finish quickly with the others and get around to Alice. It wasn’t very long until there she was—right up beside him, with his dear old whiskers tickling her shell-like ears (one of them, anyway), and his pen poised over a perfectly blank page, ready to write down anything that Alice asked him to. And his voice, too, was very pleasant.
“Now,” said this kindly old saint, adjusting his eyebrows with some care, for they were slightly moth-eaten and appeared to be falling off—and no wonder, either, for some hundreds of boys and girls had been leaning against them all day—”Now,” said this nice old man, “what do you wish me to bring you for Christmas, little Golden-hair?”
There was something charming about the way he emphasized the you that put Alice at ease immediately. So she told him all about the lovely doll, and the darling kitten, and the sweet bird she wanted, and had been wanting for a long time, and all about the books she needed with which to catch up on the world. For she had been locked away for so long that she felt a bit out of date, and such phrases as “League of Nations” and “Maple Nut Sundae” simply meant nothing to her, while they were the common property of every other girl and boy in the land.
The good-natured old soul wrote them all down very carefully, and then kissed Alice just as she had expected he would. He promised faithfully to deliver every one of her orders, in person, and warned her about seeing that the hearth fire was extinguished before midnight.
“Because promptly at midnight,” he said, “I shall come down the chimley.”
Alice giggled at that.
“You mean the chimney, don’t you?” she asked.
“Chimney, indeed!” snorted Santa Claus. “After all these years, don’t you think I know the difference between a chimney and a chimley? No, sir! I come down a chimley, every time. I’ll leave it to everyone here.”
And turning to the crowd of boys and girls around him, he asked: “How do I get into the house, children?”
“Down the chimley!” roared the chorus.
“You see?” said Santa Claus.
Alice did see, and felt very much ashamed of her display of ignorance.
“Never mind,” said Santa Claus, kindly. “But I think,” he added, “you had better go with my assistant, and be quite sure we have all these things in stock. He’ll be glad to show you around. It’s all free, you know. Just look around as long as you like, and if you see anything else you want, come right back and tell me about it.”
There was a little boy standing beside Santa Claus, with a metal tag on his collar, and the generous old gentleman turned to him and told him to go and fetch his—that is, Santa Claus’s—assistant. While Alice was waiting, a lot of other children pushed forward, and Alice was pretty nearly forgotten. But after a while she heard some one say, “He’s coming now. He’ll be here in just a minute, now,” and at the same moment she saw Santa Claus’s assistant coming toward her.
He was a sprightly little fellow, and Alice decided to like him. He came up in a sort of blue-green light, which danced all around him, and without the slightest hesitation Alice took his hand and walked away with him.
The little man’s fingers were so cold and hard, though, that Alice was surprised, and when she was sure he wasn’t looking she looked him over earnestly. After she had done that, she almost screamed, used as she was to odd things in Wonderland. For the little man was made of wood. Everything was wood, and Alice was holding on to his wooden fingers, and he was talking out of his wooden mouth, and the whole affair was the most wooden episode Alice could remember. His remarks concerning some of the books Alice wanted, the little girl thought, were the most wooden thing about him. But the little man’s face was rather nice, for it was highly painted in blue and green, and he had bright yellow eyes that fairly sparkled with enamel.
“Let’s see,” said the wooden man. “Dolls were first on the list, weren’t they? Well, here we are. We call this room ‘The Kingdom of Dolls,’ although as a matter of fact it is ruled by a Queen, and never did have a King, because the Queen is rather old and nobody will marry her. And as she won’t allow any of the other dolls to marry until she herself finds a King, it makes it hard for the younger ones.”
“Dear me,” said Alice. “Do you suppose I might get a peep at the Queen, without being seen?”
“Easy enough,” said the wooden man, “for there she is—that long-haired doll with the purple robe. She likes to be looked at, and I need hardly remark that her hair is false. She’s awfully stuck up, though, and we won’t tarry long, for she’d only snub us.”
“What a funny crown she is wearing,” laughed Alice, turning her head to look back.
“You may well say so,” said the wooden man, ironically, “for it is made of kistletoe. She never takes it off!”
“Kistletoe!” said Alice, and then, forgetting her humiliating experience about the chimley, “Don’t you mean mistletoe?”
“No, I mean kistletoe,” replied the wooden man, rather impatiently. “Everybody knows what kistletoe is. But then, perhaps you are too young. When you are older you will know more.”
“I’m thirteen,” said Alice, with proper dignity.
“Thirteen!” shrieked the wooden man, so loudly that Alice felt sure she had offended again. “What a dreadfully unlucky number! I should be frightened to death to be thirteen. How long have you been thirteen?”
“Nearly two months now,” Alice confessed, miserably. Then she brightened. “But everybody has to be thirteen sometime. Weren’t you ever thirteen?”
“Never!” declared the wooden man, firmly. “When my thirteenth birthday approached, I tore off an entire year of the calendar, and passed right into my fourteenth year. Of course, there was a fearful row about it! But it’s really just like skipping a grade at school. If you’re smart enough you can do it. We have some very nice calendars,” he added, professionally.
Alice was frankly bewildered, but she had forgotten her wounded dignity. In a moment her attention was attracted by a succession of melodious sounds, ending on a queer upward inflection that seemed to leave the phrase unfinished, and hanging in the air.
“Do listen!” she exclaimed. “Isn’t that too sweet? It sounds like a bird singing.”
“Most birds do,” said the wooden man, drily. “That’s your bird,” he added, more politely. “You asked for a bird, you know.”
“But why does it end its song so abruptly?” asked Alice. “It doesn’t seem to finish.”
“Confinement,” answered the little guide, briefly. “Its cage is too small. Its notes only reach the top of the cage, and then echo back into its own ears, which naturally surprises it into silence. It’s too bad, for it’s losing its upper register. It once sang very well.”
“I shall let it go when I get it,” declared Alice, with decision.
“You may do as you please, of course,” agreed the wooden man, “but you’ll only be wanting another one, next Christmas.”
They hurried forward, pressing through the crowd about the cage. It was humorous the way the people fell back on either side of the wooden man’s sharp-elbows. What they saw, when they reached the cage, was a beautiful yellow bird with black wings, and big black eyes, swinging and singing on a perch of gold.
“Wound up too tightly,” muttered the wooden man. “One of the monkeys has been monkeying with the key.”
With a ferocious glare at the children around him, he reached in a hand, and Alice heard a sharp click. The bird stopped singing in the middle of a note. Then the wooden man lifted the little creature from its perch and brought it forth with as little concern as if it were made of wood, too.
“Oh!” cried Alice, in distress. “You mustn’t hurt the bird! It wasn’t its fault that somebody monkeyed with the key.”
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